Since that night, the long journey, the surgery and the recovery, that cloud in my soul has evaporated. I have been caught up in the glory and beauty of life around me. With a new sense of purpose and a clearer view of the road ahead, not to mention a much better functioning body, I have been gifted with the chance to run with this new lease on life and take advantage of so many new blessings and opportunities that surround me.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Waking up after it's all over
On one of many late night drives back to Wofford last year my dad and I turned on the radio and were greeted by the song "Wake me Up" by Avicii and Aloe Blacc. It was after a long doctors appointment at Emory and the upcoming Open Heart Surgery was heavily weighing on both of our minds. Stuck deep in the pit of depressive and anxious thoughts I listened to the lyrics and began thinking out loud, "I just wish I could wake up when this is all over." I realized, like the character in the song, I was desperately longing to skip the anxiety, skip the pain, skip the worries, the fears, the depression, the growth, the growing emotional strength, all of it. I wanted to skip the long, arduous journey and just get to the end where I was happy and healthy again. My dad, hearing this about to be major breakdown, quickly jumped in to remind me to listen to the parts of the song I had tuned out "...I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands, hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans... life's a game made for everyone and love is the prize." Stopping me before the hysterics ensued, he continued to remind me that after I woke up I DID have plans to see the world. We, as a family, were going to go to Greece and Italy and then later, I was going to be living in the South of France. He went on to remind me that love is the prize and I had that prize, and that prize was given to me everyday in the form of the love and support from friends, family, neighbors, and supporters. Yes, times were hard, but I was not without love, I would not be without plans and in the end, I was going to wake up from that surgery and I was going to get up and I was going to walk again and I was going to get better and go live my life enriched by the love, friends and travel that would accompany me along the way. While his talk did hold the hysteria at bay, the fog of worry blocked this true vision from my sight. I knew his words were true, but I could not feel it in my soul, it was too deeply clouded by fear.